---
tags:
  - draft
title: Lonely and Emo? (beyond thirties)
date: 2025-04-21
---
I'm under the impression, that - maybe - some skin needs to be shed...
Or that maybe I missed the opportunity and I'm back to endless distractions... Who knows...

Loneliness have been killing me lately, also maybe I've run out of things to share with my current closest friends, we can't be more apart than we are right now. I've been hurting, and trying to find answers with ChatGPT that were helpful at first, it led me back to one of my earliest wish since I was a kid with access to internet and dreaming about videogames on different websites, I wanted to have my own share of the web too. So from the top of my 14 (?) years old I built my website with a hacked version of MS Frontpage that talked about mods for GTA3 among other things...
So ChatGPT suggested me to make yet another place like this one *right here*, without really knowing that much about me, but it resonated with me for this reason.
I don't know what's the point of this place. There won't be currency to get in form of likes to have, neither re-links?
But it think this make more sense to me, this is my home, and likely no one will see it that didn't actually look for it. And if you already read that far... you're invited i guess.
Actually, there may not be likes, but maybe there's connections? At least this is what I hope for.
Maybe there are mind alike out there, and this is my bottle in the sea... I'm not going to hide the fact that I'm a mess of a human being, nervousness often make me react a little too strongly, I've indulged in a massive collection of diverse medium of distractions to ignore the fact that loneliness have been painful for way too long... Kind of buying my way out of it in the process, and let's just say, it doesn't work. I also certainly did some things that I'm not proud of to feel smart at others detriments... I'm a wreck... But that's the last thing that's left to me...
...
...
I'm not sure I'm even honest to myself there...
...
What should I tell? **I don't know**, I feel like I'm both talking to myself, as I've done for the past 6 years on my journal without it leading to anywhere, and trying to invoke something out of me that I can't see at the same time.

At least there will be some sort of content, or means to connect, here? eh

This may be my ~~:.|:;~~ offense, hopefully it'll be uphill from here.
And it made me think... this could also be one of more to come of me trying to reconnect with my emo past, this movement that seems to have disappeared from most of the web... Pretty immature for me probably but can't someone be somewhat old-ish and emo? Let's pretend it's part of my continued deathmental (pun intended) period.

Now, as weird as it may sound, I'm probably going back to do a few more races in New Star GP and all it's extremely polygonal and colorful retro '90 glory... That's one thing left that bring as much joy as it bring nervousness currently, and I won't be much more picky about these feelings, 
it is these both or none.

